I knew I will always do the things I love and find what I want to do in life, under my own terms, notwithstanding any past. And I have been fairly successful in that. Looking back, speaking of a career, I did have plans crystallized in my mind. Much before I got a different opportunity in November last year.
But that's not the case with the 'rest of my life'. The one that involves people, and relationships. I mean, the offline and the 'real world'. In fact, considering that I spend more than 24 hours a day online, I doubt I have any 'rest of my life' life at all. Exaggeration aside, I loved the loner life.
For the longest time, this was a part of myself I always thought I could be 'no good at'. Or at best, average. Tending to be asocial at times.
And yet, leading this life seemed okay to me.
Because, 'you can't have everything'.
Because maybe some people, like me, are meant to be this way, different and unique.
But I realise this is all just rationalisation.
It does not matter how 'successful' you are.
How intelligent you are, how capable.
Or how much money you earn.
If you cannot manage your emotions and connect with people in a deep and meaningful way, nothing really matters.
And so, instead of taking refuge in keeping track of the whole world, I am learning to live more fully.
To love and understand myself.
To love and understand others.
Make better use of my mind.
To just be, instead of trying to become.
I feel something inside me changing. And it scares me and thrills me at the same time.
To write about what is happening is a challenge.
I am afraid I will 'reveal' too much of myself.
I will stand exposed.
And I wonder, will you understand?
Or even care? Would YOU care?
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